I’ve been struggling with this idea: that I am worthy just because I exist.
It seems like I’m supposed to DO something, ACCOMPLISH something, SOMETHING something in order to be worthy. I read a quote that said “let love, life, abundance and spirit fill you without expectation. Just receive the bounty that is yours.” You mean I don’t have to DO anything? FIX anything? Or ANYTHING anything? My controlling nature is freaking out right now!
I keep thinking back to when I was in college— if you knew me then you know that even though I was in college I also had a full life as a working actor. Things just kept falling into place one after the other. I wasn’t worried about money. I wasn’t worried about my career. I’m not even sure I was worried about my grades- in fact, I know I wasn’t because when I was told that I was graduating Summa Cum Laude I was surprised.
It’s not like that today. Somewhere along the way things got gummed up. I made some choices that supported the worry/anxiety parts of my brain and I think some parts of my life got so unmanageable that I felt like I had to control something so my Planner/Controller kicked in. Then she went into overdrive. Then the anxiety went into overdrive.
Today, I’m learning to do a whole lot more of nothing. I’m getting a big dose of humility with my current job situation. And I don’t suffer from the constant anxiety anymore. Thank God for that. But I’m still cloudy on how to get back to that young woman who found the flow and worked it so easefully. As an older woman I want to find that flow again— but this time, instead of working it, I want to just be in it and let it take me wherever we go. It’s a little scary. But the more I resist, the more frustrating life is so why not just let go? As the Borg say: Resistance is futile. I’m going to use that as my mantra to quell the resistance and welcome the flow:)
Some more news is around the bend! Hope you are doing well:)
Jenni